Hoping Along

They said there’ll be snow at Christmas
They said there’ll be peace on Earth
But instead, it just kept on raining
A veil of tears for the Virgin birth

I’m sitting on my bed surrounded by my mess – ironing board still up, work notes and handouts spread out on the floor, dirty plate and mug on my desk etc. etc.

Feeling a bit low, but I think really it’s fatigue. OK, not JUST fatigue, but also the fact that I’m struggling a bit with my new job – and so it does get me down a bit!

I think perhaps you have to be a particular person to work with children, to know how to teach them and to lead them well. I just don’t feel like that dynamic, chatty lady who makes all children feel welcome, that someone who really captivates their attention – and I’m not sure I ever could be that someone.

I think it’s true that teaching causes you to take one hard look at yourself, and to question who you are and what you are doing – as in the daily choices and actions you are taking during (and outside of) each hour that you teach. At least for me, that’s how I feel. As a teacher, you can see what are your limits, what is testing for you, and what things bring you joy.

Walking home a week (or maybe two) ago, I had a funny image. Of a cracked egg, wobbling, and trying to hold itself together in order to not break completely. I’m not sure if I’ve already written about that before…(I suffer from a bad memory…) Either way, I’ve felt like that wobbly egg sometimes. Maybe today I actually just cracked a little more!

I think I’m tired – do you have those days where you just feel a bit low all day and you can’t snap out of it? I think I felt discouraged in work this morning, and that discouragement hung over me like a black cloud all day. Even now still. But tomorrow is a new day, and I do have hope for some strange reason, maybe out of sheer necessity – because otherwise perhaps I wouldn’t continue.

It’s just that teaching, well more today’s teaching to be exact, has made me question even more certain qualities of my character and whether I am fit to do what I trying to do. Which I don’t think is always a bad thing to do, that is, to question oneself and see what we do well, and where we could do things better. But sometimes, I feel like certain aspects of oneself cannot be changed; or perhaps one is too used to being as one is, and doesn’t want to change, for better or for worse…

I’m willing to change. To improve, to learn and to make myself and others proud! But at the same time, I think it’s wise also to recognise one’s limits, and recognise that maybe some things just don’t fit your own character. And like my housemate reminded me tonight, our own character has value. Everyone has different qualities, and everyone may face different challenges. But everyone, every character, has value.

I said I’m willing to change, but sometimes when I’m at work, I just can’t get out of my comfort zone and do what my character does not usually do! I feel I should, for example, call out those kids’ names in a loud booming voice; I feel like I should be able to capture that child’s attention by doing this, or by saying that. I feel like I should better control the children and do what my character usually does not. But then I don’t do it – I find that I feel just a bit too uncomfortable with doing something that my character normally does not. But really, if I could do that (i.e. step out of my comfort zone from time to time!) maybe, things would be better.

Anyway, enough of the soppy post. As a friend told me yesterday, ‘Less doubting, more sprouting!’ And I think she has a point. đŸ™‚

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